Sunday, February 6, 2011

Why having babies might be a bad idea.

This note is for everyone who does-not-like/hates/abhors/detests/is-scared-of/indifferent to/repelled by/vomits-because-of/runs-off-into-the-wilderness because of BABIES. It's also for those who hate people who assume that after adulthood comes marriage and after marriage comes parenthood.
I don't know what has brought on this rampage but I think it might be therapeutic for us to list, very systematically, the reasons that make it not-so-worthwhile to have kids.
Here are some of mine:
1) They are sooooooo expensive to 'produce' and sustain!
2) You're going to invest your khoon-paseena into their up-bringing for what? They are going to hate you once they grow up anyway. For every fuck-up of theirs they are going to hold you responsible. eg. You didn't take them to the zoo so now they have a pathological fear of animals. You fed them too much ice-cream so now they are overweight. You took too much interest in their studies so now they are self-destructive competitive freaks. You talked to them about sex and they are traumatised. You didn't talk to them about sex and they are traumatised. Bloody hell. The list is endless.
3) They have issues.
4) They are irrational. No, I'm no advocate of the enlightenment obsession with reason but seriously...there's a limit to how much your 'emotions' can control you! Babies are all about the instinct and emotion.
5) They are so...idiotic. They don't know how to filter anything out. Anything can mess them up! This isnt to say that adults don't get messed up by external circumstances. But atleast adults are sort-of equipped to deal with things. Kids know no discrimination. You tell them they are bad and you've destroyed their self confidence forever! You tell them they are very smart and you have arrogant, smug brats on your hands. It's disgusting.
6) Connected with the previous point: You have to be sooooooo careful about everything you say in their presence. It takes away your right to be you. Not nice. Too much responsibility!

The Guardian lists down stastical reasons of not having babies. Click here to see

Thursday, January 27, 2011


I am bad at telling jokes; far worse at remembering them. But that doesn’t stop me from getting my daily dose of laughter. All I have to do is switch on the television or go to the nearest PVR. It makes me laugh at its stupidity. But when I’m done laughing I feel angry. Angry that some guy out there thinks I’m stupid and that any kind of fare can be dished out to me and I will have it gladly. I will have it for want of better things but you bet I won’t leave you a tip and I won’t visit you again.
But in case you were wondering that the people responsible for entertaining us are bleak minded phonies you are wrong. They insist that the fault is with the people of India. They don’t understand the good stuff.

I would politely refute that, though in reality I would love to stick my steel-toe boots up where the sun doesn’t shine to draw attention to my point.

Band Baja Baraat was a good movie. The common man, the uncommon man, their women and children all loved it. It was well made. It used the same ingredients that bollywood movies have always used; there was a hero, heroine, a few songs, weddings, love et al. But it used them creatively and more importantly it did not assume that people are inherently daft. In contrast when I saw Tees Maar Khan I could not help but notice the highlight of its intended comic appeal; the use of those three words (which feature in the title) in every dialogue of the movie. I would be a hypocrite for commenting more on the content of the movie so I’ll just put it this way. Moments where I was awake I found it a more interesting exercise to just pick my nails.

But Tees Maar Khan was miles ahead in entertainment value when you go by last year’s slated box office super hit.  Papa Roshan’s silverspoonful of bullshit for little Guddu; Kites. Despite the fact that I pride myself on being able to judge a movie by escaping the sweet offerings of a well made trailer, I fell for this one. What I realized after watching it was that Barbara Mori had some goods and these fellows just wrote a script around them. Amazing how little baby Guddu jeopardized his wedding for it. The box office collections coupled with an angry wife is what I call a double jeopardy.
The only people whose task becomes easier (also assuming a sudden spurt in the weight of their pockets) are people who judge these films for awards. Two good movies are made in a year. One of them takes all the awards.

Allow me to gently meander through the narrow streets of television. But fear not! I will not linger there long for the one most obvious reason. There is nothing much to see there.

I will however briefly comment on how an affinity for the assumption that Indian people are stupid is brewing behind the tube. My kind attention was brought to Emotional Atyachaar on UTV Bindaas. I saw a couple of episodes. I agree they would appeal immensely to the Sunday night yobs at theatres but it set me thinking. Where in the hell do they find cheaters every damn day? Is there not one single day when nobody can be found to accuse another of promiscuity? Going by the amount of time required to film, edit and broadcast a single show and then instantly find the next cheater and go into the filming, editing, broadcasting regime all over again and find the next one for the unending circle in such perfect rhythmic harmony maybe doesn’t ring a bell in someone’s head. In mine it does. In my head it says you are being conned into watching stuff cooked up by some incompetent jerk who stole an idea from Reality TV.

Guys in Bollywood (it’s only here that wood has something to do with an actor’s face) have nothing to give except two movies a year which seem so good because they help escape bad memories of what went before them and the awaited horrors of that which is yet to come.

To vindicate my stand all I will tell you is go watch a decent Hollywood movie if you want real entertainment or stream some shows of the net because personally I’m done feeling stupid.  I am contrite for the use of that word over and over but when I pay Rs 330*2+180*2+infinite taxes= my pops hard labor, the damn movie better be good coz when it’s not I feel STUPID.



Here is a guest blogger, Kanav Rishi Kumar, voicing his angst about the CWG scandal. Although its an old issue, but as long as its anti-establishment, it goes on our blog!

A dear friend of mine recently wrote a very detailed and long article focusing on the fact that an excess amount of money was spent on CWG and it could be used to develop those parts of our country which did not enjoy several privileges which are enjoyed in a metropolis such as New Delhi  instead of upgrading them to meet global standards to host the CWG . For all  all such people who pander to such holier-than-thou notions, I would like to share my thoughts . I use my right to express today and assure you  that I am being as polite as i can after reading an insult to my , sorry Our Country .... This is my reply to the article ....

I read your article titled 'Still Proud to be an Indian' ... it's very well written but it's not that simple ... yes a lot of money was spent but the money earned is in multiples of that ... further no money was spent as such on making life comfortable for outsiders ... who remind you treat us well, when we visit them on such occasions... but only for development .... again you pointed it out that why make what is good better... when you can fix what is wrong ... well honestly ... India is discriminated and looked down upon ... out of the several things which, hosting these games and doing them well will change ... the INR to USD power will be a greatly influenced  ... most importantly this is the first time in a long time .... India has been deemed capable for something international ... yes cricket is hosted in india a lot and is a big deal ... but fact of the matter is if you put your feeling aside for a minute you will realize it is the most insignificant sport to developed countries and rather small even ( the cricket world cup on global levels as compared to FIFA) .... why i am writing this is because I am proud to be an Indian and just expressing myself as you did ... this is not a debate of any sort ... but i believe if the success of CWG doesn't make you proud to be an indian... its because you are not proud to be an Indian ... your thinking is in lines, if not identical to the millions of people who get laughed upon by the world when they sit around people from developed countries ... and then try to hide ... run ... migrate abroad .... try to merge with people they don't belong with ... and try to forget India completely ... i personally believe it is a journalists job to say things not true ... persuade public against the government at all times ... but sit back for a minute and think ... what if CWG was not hosted in India ... USD gets more expensive... Our international airport was not even at power with the rural bus stops of other countries ... No recognition in ages ... there are so many more i am afraid if i start i will not be able to stop ... so i'll let your imagination lead you down that path .... now lets consider the other possibility ... if they did decide to host it and did not spend this much money , which was absolutely required ... along with the fact it would be worse then not hosting it at all ... it would bring shame ... insult ... disgrace to our nation ... our fellow Indians ... and would people like YOU who insult our nation and it's people by declaring your not proud of India ... sit at peace and say it was good they saved up the money and built roads ... gave drinking water supplies ... No sir i assure you ... you would then be one of the first to insult our beloved nation ... and would do nothing but look for a way ... a chance ... an opportunity to run away from this nation ... I'm sorry if this message is blunt and harsh ... but so was your post, an insult to every proud Indian out there ... just a proud indian ... and you sir ... just got served!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


As per the dictionary definition, POST MORTEM means a medical examination of a dead body and /or an event , informally, a review or analysis of a finished event. In my personal experience , it seems to imply the latter. So much for any attempt to make this fictional or purely coincidental.
Post mortem means subjecting a previously living and breathing entity in your life, to a cold, objective, pedantic magnifying glass and dissecting its constituent elements into minute particles, until the moment of absolute, blessed insanity( which some call sanity) strikes , where all essence of this entity is lost.
Post mortem also means, eradicating any humane aspects to that entity, for the higher purpose of some perverted kind of catharsis, because after all knowing is fulfilling.( the sarcasm-ignorant are not meant for this writing). Add a few sprinkles of existential, futile, self-deprecating questions, a dash of never-ending insecurity about the temporality and uncertainty of anything anymore, and we have our very own recipe for self-destruction.
This entity may be a human body, or in most cases, a dead end relationship, hanging by a thin thread, needing some material desecration, since all emotional and philosophical ones fail to provide, what Rachel wittingly calls, "cllllllosssure".
" So what if he/she needs space, i mean its the 21st century, time is money, who needs a man/woman who actuallly wants to love me and is not confounded by mommy/daddy/commitent/bachelor issues?" Denial is everywhere, it precipitates the Post Mortem, just like evaporation precedes condensation.
Post Mortem is not so much about the dead, lifeless entity as it is about the examiner, his/her need for validation, the immensely important necessity for the futile knowledge, that "its wasn't all in vain, there had to be some 'productive' aspect to it'."
As i sit and think about the 'advantageous' hindsight, i wonder, does it help at all? Does knowing how things will eventually pan out change us from being our usual, neurotic, insecure, victimizing, melodramatic selves? No, nothing can prevent human beings from the gift/curse of the glorified 'assessment', or what us soon-to-be journalists would like to call, "deconstruction".
Grieving. Another big word used way too often, mostly inappropriately.Grieving is not cherishing your loved moments with this dead entity (i prefer HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED) and adopting the bourgeoise way of moving onto the next form of self-validation. Grieving is not about living every moment of life to the hilt in search for some previously denied nirvana. Grieving is also not writing a note about it on facebook.
Grieving is a painful process, of shouting, screeching, howling, till your insides want to jump out of your stomach, it means yelling to enlarge your trachea in order to allow some air back into your system, it is crying for hours till every ounce or drop of salt in your body is utilised and nothing is left but a deep sense of emptyness. And this emptyness,this vaccum, as P.B Shelley prophecied, provides the potential for some weird, twisted yet realistic kind of ritualistic filing up, where you know you'll never be the same again, feel the same again, but there is beauty in that.
Change and not Knowledge may be empowering.
Or not.


Where white was virgin white was pure

White is black; the black of fear

Where time shouts “all you here 

Come close, come hear”

The zombies of history stand

Poker faces, frozen hands

Dumb before the dazzling white

Stunned by the red beacon light

They stand upon their cowardly shame

Time knows they are to blame.  

On the nascent throbbing brain

Like a fresh drop on a window pane

Warped history some figures made

Ensured the sham would never fade

Made certain to annul every date

With time; history’s older mate

For dignity clothed in robes so chaste

Defiled, would flee in vulgar haste

From the nascent throbbing brain

Reckless in its stupor, but not insane

Not so young now, not the same

Would turn the pages, feel the shame

See through the twisting corridor of lies

Walls smudged with tears that echo with cries

Over foul dumps of vices reveling like flies

They will forever stand forever rejoice

Anger Management 2011.

I woke up on a lazy Republic day. No shrill voices of my family interrupting my much needed sleep, pestering me to watch the parade that was almost a ritual in New Delhi. No restrospective guilt for having woken up at the almost sinful hour of one in the afternoon, contemplating my brunch when half the world had already wrapped up their patriotic addresses/ speeches/tweets/facebook posts/ bbm status statuses and a then some, pedestalizing a 61 year old constitution that was India; a resilient economy, that has survived a global meltdown, some twenty scams and scandals and a barrage of corrupt politicians, media personalities and corporate lobbyists who received their fifteen minutes of fame this year.

I flipped through the pages of our resident badboy daily, The Times of India, looking for more of this glorified patriotism, imbued with a dash of nationalistic fervour and some political pandering to decadent ideologies. To my great shock, disgust and anger, I read about the attack on Dr. Talwar, by a labelled 'lunatic'. For what? Well, that little snippet of information is open to speculation and gossip, just like the climax to a Shakespearean tragedy.

Was this man angry? Was he just your average stifled man, struggling with daily nitigrities, so suffocated with the failures in his profession, so betrayed by the ideals of constitutional India that he attacked a man probably fighting for justice for his lost child? The operative term, here being- PROBABLY.

No. This 'lunatic' was a graduate from the prestigious National Institute of Design and had previously attacked former Haryana DGP SPS Rathore, accused in the Ruchika Girhotra molestation case.What truly shocks me, is not the act itself, but the way this man chooses to play out his violent outbursts. Does he sneak in from the backdoor and slash someones neck? Does he send out some goons to roughen up a speculated victim/ defendant in a high profile crime? NO. He attacks in public, in the glare of the media, in the eyes of the common man.
I'm not trying to exhibit some kind of reluctant awe for this alleged criminal or somehow insult the family members of Aarushi Talwar. I just want to use this example to highlight the ANGER of the common man. Governmental failure to probe into any unjust crime, the complete failure of a 61 year old republic to grant justice to a victim, the insensitive reportage of all media houses on these issues- all this and more has made the average sane individual reconcile with the innate brute in man, as Rousseau ad Descartes suggested.
ANGER is the emotion reverberating in the consciousness of every citizen this year. Unfortunately, the lack of outlets to voice these strangulated emotions results in acts of institutionalized lunacy , as seen in the attack on Dr Rajesh Talwar.
We need answers and fast. We need expedient justice. We need eradication of the Kalmadis and the Rajas.
We need to redefine sedition. We need to sensitize the media. We need a self-reflexive look unto ourselves.
Then again, Rome was not bult in a day.